Star Wars 30th Anniversary – Why The New Trilogy Stinks

Luke Skywalker

I love, love, love the original Star Wars trilogy. When I heard that George Lucas was going to make the prequel, I could barely contain myself. I put on my Princess Leia wig, make a batch of Wookiee cookies and began to dream.

But the new movies didn’t live up to my expectations. The genius that made the first three movies forgot to have fun. George Lucas, your lack of faith disturbs me. You didn’t trust your original story and felt the need to embellish and explain. I wish you had left the back story to our imaginations. For the world you created is now our world, the fans.

Now I am forced to show my total geekness and write this post, which pains me greatly.

Here are my top reasons why the new Star Wars trilogy stinks:

  • Yoda changes sizes in every scene and fights like a spaz with a lime popsicle, is.
  • There’s no dirt.
  • Everything rhymes with doodoo: Count Dooku, Naboo, Mace Windu, etc.
  • Leia hugs Chewbacca in the original series. You can’t hug a green screen.
  • Darth Vader was not Canadian.
  • No humor, no wit, no wisecracking Han Solo.
  • The emperor was so butch, he scared himself. “Menswear?” See video:
  • The emperor looks like Judi Dench in drag.
  • I can’t think of one line from any of the new movies. But I can quote the French & Saunders version. “Talk to the dog” and “Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner chocolate’s made.”
  • No one calls Amidala “Your Worshipfulness.”
  • The Jedi-Padawan relationship reminds me too much of the Catholic church.
  • Virgin birth? Meeza thinks that’s original, George.

OK. It had to be said. But seriously now, I must point out the inconsistencies between the new Star Wars trilogy and the original series:

  • Uncle Owen was Ben Kenobi’s brother.
  • So, the Force is a disease or a fungus or something?
  • Princess Leia remembered her mother. She was very beautiful and very sad. She didn’t die in child birth. She died years later of a broken heart.
  • Princess Leia was only a princess because she was adopted by the King of Alderaan, not because her mother was an elected Queen.
  • Obi-Wan doesn’t remember R2-D2. He even says “I don’t remember ever owning a droid.” Vader doesn’t remember C-3P0, yet he was supposed to have made him for his mother.
  • Obi-Wan was taught by Yoda not some Irishman named Qui-Gon.
  • No one knows the originals of Boba Fett. He was a loner who wore the ancient battle armor of the extinct Jedi-hating Mandalorians. He was not a clone.
  • Chewbacca and Yoda didn’t hang together back in the day. They never met.
  • Why are there no graves at the moisture farm on Tattooine in Episode IV?
  • Why would you hide the son of Darth Vader on his home planet, you moron?

George Lucas, please put Star Wars in the pubic domain so we, the fans, can continue the adventure and make up for the atrocities of the new movies. Thank you.

Readers, please feel free to add a few of your own in the comments section.

Advertisements

9 responses to “Star Wars 30th Anniversary – Why The New Trilogy Stinks

  1. Pingback: PressPosts / User / kefirs / Submitted

  2. LOL!!!!!!

    Great post. Long live the original trilogy!

  3. Hey! I thought you might want to know that in light of the 30 year anniversary of Star Wars, The History Channel is running a special called “Star Wars: The Legacy Revealed” which premiers May 20 at 9:00 pm ET. It’s this really cool look at the political, historical and mythological influences on Star Wars. To promote this special, The History Channel is also running this contest offering the chance to win a trip to Star Wars Celebration Europe. I think that this is pretty awesome since we all know how expensive these trips can be. You can enter at http://www.history.com/starwars/sweepstakes.

  4. Cool. Thanks for the info.

  5. The 2 Witches

    I have to agree … the “new” trilogy did not compare at all to the original. Yes at moments it was breathtakingly beautiful, but the story was just plain awful.

    Too much either just didn’t make sense or differed from the mythology I had fallen in love with many years ago.

    Mama Kelly

  6. Rosie Powell

    I saw the ORIGINAL TRILOGY when it was first released between 1977-1983. As much as I love it, I also love the PREQUEL TRILOGY. And I would go as far as to say that I find the PT to be a slightly superior trilogy to the older one. It seemed more complex and ambiguous, which I find very appealing. I also suspect that the PT is a lot more revelant to how our political and social position is right now. And I think that scares a lot of people . . . especially the old fans.

  7. I love Revenge of the Sith the best! I think the new ones are really good (except for the phantom menace!) I’ve seen ROTS over 13 times, and still love it! 🙂

  8. DEAR SIR-MAD,
    I WANT U TO SEND ME UR STAR WARS GAME PLS.IF U SEND ME GOD WILL BLESS U.BYE
    P.O.BOX 1055 KSI
    GHANA W-A

  9. Why your article stinks . . .

    1) It’s badly written

    2) Your criticisms against the PT are infantile