Star Wars 30th Anniversary – Why The New Trilogy Stinks

I love, love, love the original Star Wars trilogy. When I heard that George Lucas was going to make the prequel, I could barely contain myself. I put on my Princess Leia wig, make a batch of Wookiee cookies and began to dream.

But the new movies didn’t live up to my expectations. The genius that made the first three movies forgot to have fun. George Lucas, your lack of faith disturbs me. You didn’t trust your original story and felt the need to embellish and explain. I wish you had left the back story to our imaginations. For the world you created is now our world, the fans.

Now I am forced to show my total geekness and write this post, which pains me greatly.

Here are my top reasons why the new Star Wars trilogy stinks:

• Yoda changes sizes in every scene and fights like a spaz with a lime popsicle, is.
• There’s no dirt.
• Everything rhymes with doodoo: Count Dooku, Naboo, Mace Windu, etc.
• Leia hugs Chewbacca in the original series. You can’t hug a green screen.
• Darth Vader was not Canadian.
• No humor, no wit, no wisecracking Han Solo.
• The emperor was so butch, he scared himself. “Menswear?” See video:
• The emperor looks like Judi Dench in drag.
• I can’t think of one line from any of the new movies. But I can quote the French & Saunders version. “Talk to the dog” and “Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner chocolate’s made.”
• No one calls Amidala “Your Worshipfulness.”
• The Jedi-Padawan relationship reminds me too much of the Catholic church.
• Virgin birth? Meeza thinks that’s original, George.

OK. It had to be said. But seriously now, I must point out the inconsistencies between the new Star Wars trilogy and the original series:

• Uncle Owen was Ben Kenobi’s brother.
• So, the Force is a disease or a fungus or something?
• Princess Leia remembered her mother. She was very beautiful and very sad. She didn’t die in child birth. She died years later of a broken heart.
• Princess Leia was only a princess because she was adopted by the King of Alderaan, not because her mother was an elected Queen.
• Obi-Wan doesn’t remember R2-D2. He even says “I don’t remember ever owning a droid.” Vader doesn’t remember C-3P0, yet he was supposed to have made him for his mother.
• Obi-Wan was taught by Yoda not some Irishman named Qui-Gon.
• No one knows the originals of Boba Fett. He was a loner who wore the ancient battle armor of the extinct Jedi-hating Mandalorians. He was not a clone.
• Chewbacca and Yoda didn’t hang together back in the day. They never met.
• Why are there no graves at the moisture farm on Tattooine in Episode IV?
• Why would you hide the son of Darth Vader on his home planet, you moron?

George Lucas, please put Star Wars in the pubic domain so we, the fans, can continue the adventure and make up for the atrocities of the new movies. Thank you.

Readers, please feel free to add a few of your own in the comments section.